vanderslice

playing out scenarios in my head
the ones where i can shine
and you air type the words you hear
i look down to see your fingers moving close
to your lap
i couldn’t have loved you more

i would like it all to happen
damned if we ever must stand face
to face
neck to neck i’d like a rehearsal

if it’s ever dark again
if it ever reaches night
if i ever look over to my right
and you stand pegged in clockwork
i’m going to turn myself around
shake you by the hand
and tell you
it all

the conscious is clean and rinsed,
braving itself to strangers,
fearing the night curbside meditation.

follow this out:
place your forehead in your hand.
think of something painful,
so you remember how to cry,
how to feel like a moron.
and what to do when the floor shifts.
jeans ripped.
i call you home
for sleep.

face distortions
or so i think
press faces so
hard together
someone’s nose breaks
feel skin & bone
like this
your skull holds too
delicate a plight

above what is usual

caffeine ridden mild pauses of
short hot breaths on hot.
in with the best.
cold water on the neck, on the wrists, the temples.
barely keep up with the hand the foot
is tapping out a slow walk in one minute.
muscles of the face tighten and throw out notes.
your autobiography.
the knuckles too.

you will look at me funny
suspicious of my knowledge
and lyric memorization
but what you do not remember
is the still summer night we
sat with our legs up
our arms wrapped tight
in chairs like cradles
singing along bright then dull
giving the songs bread and water

our voices off key
that’s irrelevant
cause we’re stoned
and over zealous
i was in love with you for seven minutes

months later i’m hearing it all again in the car
this port of milwaukee exit is getting longer
keen on reaching the end of it
i have got plans
and recitals
and our midnight bike ride to remember

we can only admire the things to which we aspire
or poses in the best lighting possible
i only sway and look up at the dim lights
feeling the cusp of my hand to hip
a blue dress middleman
like i’ve got a story to tell
a refrain to repeat

without a doubt
i will be back where i started
and taking the news to heart
pacing up and down the aisles thinking
a choice made is going
to solidify the waver

i’m going to walk with my spine straight
and i’m going to pretend i know better
rarely turn my head when the door opens
because i’m left without the time
for self boxing up the joint and talking
to the wall tripping up on the time of day
one more minute in the hall
terrified
of the unsaid
space that is tiny

if we’re really indulging
we’d be at a negotiation
the luck of the draw
would play in your favor most likely
i’d separate the first time
from the next avalanche
the god forgiven chance at wayward guts
i like that you thought it was new
or junk

seclusion is a benefit
for those in trust of offerings
please take a rebuttal

when our elbows make noises on accident it
is embarassing to figure

just
or
slight

you are betting on insincerity
i fidget and improve on stories
and lying flat pretty
imposing on your plan
slicing up mathematics
trick you into thought of blue as advantageous
rest as a rip through a trim off tough
seated hard can’t help but prolong without consent
or manufacture an excuse

always game for your error or i
can bow

if i walk to the other side of the room
and back how
do i tell you
how can we
communicate movement
and the fuzz of luck to breath
and the fingers in a head of hair

i know for sure i failed again
and again and
it’s a marvel
a fashioned warranty
quite
that i have faith in a few hours
that everyone moves at a half open interval
you mean nothing little

wisconsin IS alright.

and a bunny:

i live just like you
in the night and
through it

i’m holding up the exact same
weight with my chest
as i stumble through your questions
unequipped gestures without sheets
in the whitest morning possible

had i studied the remnants
had i known your cheap intent
had i not been able to drag
your arm across my limbs
i’d have broke right there
to leave something more than
my spit
in your sink

suppose we did it the way
it’s done in the books
suppose i practice restraint
and position my head in the most
attractive way possible
inherently calculating

if you starve like you starve

i give this love
not to pretend
there’s nowhere else
to lay it down
no window pane to refract it it
is all i got

i swagger through the dim lit
museum i have several choices
i could close my eyes and fall back
or wait til the paintings did what they promised
instead i fold my arms and move above the crowd
every text possible
every meditation gained
fists in the pit

my god i feel you standing so hard in the room

and you get to leave with my greenest stare at
the entryway in
which you exit

summer and
i was moved in
you came to my couch
you had to hear a
song about giving
in it is easier to talk

we don’t think we
are anything to anyone
until we are just hearing

it is june
we are sweating in t-shirts
lying on the floor broken
hearted over the heat

you so greedy
to help me understand
shake it free
me too lit up for suggestions
tempered by the placement
of your hands and feet

filling the room
with ideas of strings
and a shy dance request

time it was and what a time it was it was
a time of innocence a time of confidences

long ago it must be, i have a photograph
preserve your memories, they’re all that’s left you

then wouldn’t you suggest we
kick up our stools and hold
them up long enough in the soggy open
supportive and forgotten wide open
our strong suit way too strong
for our unwilling arms to carry
absorbing fury and doubt
smoke and honey

order unsure under this old ceiling asking for
a drink when we really mean
a break in
when we really mean
a good job
twelve feet down the counter you’re
so far down the line you’re
positive you saw the door walk her out
open

if we did what we felt like